tsunagu to connect
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Tomoyo has been asked a special favor from Sakura, but will Tomoyo be able to let go of Sakura without giving away her own secret about her? Note: Shoujo-ai.


**fandom: Card Captor Sakura  
title: tsunagu.  
pairing: Tomoyo + Sakura, Syaoran + Sakura  
rating: pg-13  
description – Tomoyo has been asked a special favor from Sakura, but will Tomoyo be able to let go of Sakura without giving away her own secret about her? (Note: Shoujo-ai.)**

**Disclaimer – Card Captor Sakura belongs to Clamp. The poem is mine though.**

**tsunagu. **

**(to connect.)**

**By miyamoto yui**

Just a little after the light of the lamppost and before being in complete darkness, I clutched onto my purse with my fingers pressing into the silk material. Slipping off instead of clinging on, my eyes were brimming with tears ready to fall at the next step.

I stood there dumbfounded but with a polite curving of my lips. This smile hid everything I could ever be and ever was. It was the one that covered all my emotions at the most important of times.

And this time, though I knew my bodyguards were only a few feet away, I kept my back to them so that they wouldn't see me. I wanted to keep my pride intact.

Well, at least, on the outside.

My hands were shaking as I found myself looking up to the sky with the star that she had once pointed at and asked, "Tomoyo-chan? What's that?"

"I'll let you know tomorrow."

With all my might, I researched in books and found out it was the North Star. I told her the next day and she clung onto my neck in excitement. "You're the best, Tomoyo-chan!"

In that moment that her face brightened, I felt a warm feeling inside of me. It was the first time I was acknowledged as myself, not as my mother's daughter.

It was such a small gesture but it meant everything for me. I wanted to see that same face over and over again. It was that kind of expression where someone opened a piece of happiness and was completely aware of it.

A gift was not entirely the pure enjoyment of the receiver, but even more so for the giver.

"Thank you so much for the dream, Kami-sama."

I took a step towards my house. Faster and faster, my feet knew the way though my mind was in shambles. With every footfall, each tear finally reached its limit of being held back. One by one, I counted each one as they fell with the back of my right hand wiping them quickly away.

My lips quivered as that placid smile remained on my lips despite my mental protests. It was like my face and my heart weren't going to listen to one another.

I told the wind in a small whisper, "But it ends here tonight."

Mou iya. Mou IYA~!

I don't like this feeling. I didn't want to know this feeling though I knew it would come, and I knew that when it did, I would still pray for more time.

There was no use in crying over something that was already lost. And yet, because I had given everything, I felt the full impact of what could not be returned the way I had given of myself.

As soon as I came to my house, I put my silk purse down. I took off my shoes and flicked on the lights. I looked around at the expanse of space and looked over at the red button flickering at me impatiently.

Messily, my tears invisibly painted the floors of my house.

I didn't want to talk to anyone but I pressed the button on the answering machine anyway and listened as I went over to the coffee table to pick up the remote to turn on the television. I left it on mute as the answering machine spoke:

"Tomoyo? Honey, it's me, Mom. I heard the wonderful news that you would sing for Sakura-chan's wedding. How are you preparing for that? I want to help! Makes me think of Nadeshiko though I didn't get to help her at that time…so I want to do something this time. Call me back."

"BEEP. Tuesday, September 26th. 7:13pm."

I glanced at the answering machine and made my way to the kitchen, shuffling my slippers on the wooden floor.

"*clears throat* *long pause* Hey, Tomoyo."

My hand held onto the fridge handle, but I stopped looking inside of it all together.

"Thank you so much for accepting Sakura's request. I am looking forward to hearing the song. Did she tell you what to sing? You know she gets so excited that she doesn't make it clear what she really wants. If you need help, please ask me."

"BEEP. Tuesday, September 26th. 8:05pm."

"Syaoran…" I mumbled as I hazily picked something from the fridge. It took a split-second to realize that I held some bread between my hands. It was the one she had given me, a heart-shaped cinnamon doughnut she made for Li-kun and for me.

My smile became a straight line. I closed the fridge door.

"Tomoyo, I forgot to ask if you aren't tired to go out on a walk with me right now. Let's go to the usual place. I'll be there waiting until 10pm. Thanks again. Eh heh heh, do I have to say it's Syaoran?"

"BEEP…"

It was 9:14pm. I washed my face so that I wouldn't look like what I felt: A wreck.

I left the answering machine even though it was still talking in the background. When I picked up my purse from the genkan, Sakura's voice came up. Before it finished, I was already out the door with my geta making loud click-clack noises as I rushed to "Piffle Princess".

At a booth near the large window, he saw me and waved. I waved back and came inside, straight to his seat. I sat across him and that business grin found its way to my lips. I hated using it with the people closest to me…

Sometimes, this mask was TOO useful.

When I sat down, he bowed his head and turned red without me saying anything.

I guess it was me who had to start this. Tonight felt like everyone was forcing their fingernails to open the seams of my heart without my permission…

"Thank you for asking me to sing for the wedding-"

"Isn't it only natural that we should ask you? There is no one who could do it better than you." At that last sentence, he lifted up his head to look at me straight on. His eyes reflected that of the boy that I had known in elementary school.

But they had softened because of her.

Everyone's eyes did. She always had that kind of power over you.

It was a pointed response and I picked up on it. All I could do was bow my head. "Thank you for the honor."

The waitress came to take my order. My stomach couldn't handle eating anything heavy, but I couldn't just order a drink or else it would have appeared too suspicious. So, I just ordered some fruit dessert. Maybe it would make things a bit easier for me.

"Sorry I didn't make it to the festival today. I had to finish up some things. How was it? Did Sakura make you play all the games she couldn't win?"

Did he do that on purpose? It began to dawn on me that he was telling me…

…and my stomach was churning faster and faster so that I felt queasy…

…that he knew my secret.

"Some things never change. I guess it's just a part of our relationship for me to spoil her and for her to be happy for every single thing I give her. She's so simple that way."

I chuckled softly as I looked away when the waitress came to give me my strawberry shortcake.

He lifted up his cup of hot café mocha and held the steaming cup in between his hands even after he put it back down onto the table. He stared at the liquid inside as he said with a melancholic expression, "I'm jealous over that."

My eyes opened wide and I looked at him in shock. My lips didn't utter a word, but it looked like I had a lot to say. On the edge, I still couldn't look over to jump and say exactly what I wanted to.

"Don't be silly. Why would you say such a thing, Syaoran?" I lifted up my fork to take a small piece from the tip of the triangular-shaped cake.

It was a smooth cut.

You're the one who's marrying her so why are you making this harder on both of us?

He smiled more awkwardly with downcast eyes that wouldn't meet mine. "I know it's unreasonable, but next to Tomoyo, I'll always feel second."

As soon as the cake was about to touch my lips, it dropped onto the table. I didn't even bother to clean it up as I put my fork back gently onto my plate. Then, I looked down at the table and down to my lap. I clenched my hands onto my kimono.

So, this was it? The time had come and I had to face it like this? Wasn't it enough that I had to watch this from the very beginning? Wasn't it enough that I had to always give her away without a chance to say what I really wanted to?

Wasn't it enough that I knew it'd never be fair?!

I had to be mature and I had to act like I couldn't be more than calm and in control at all times, always smiling but for you to say those words, did you have to throw them back at me so carelessly?!

I was at my breaking point.

"I'm sorry Syaoran, it turns out that I feel much sicker than I thought. That's why I couldn't stay with Sakura too late tonight, as I'm sure she told you already." I looked up at him and placed my last card on the table: I grinned from ear to ear. "Please forgive me but I will leave now."

I took out some money from my pocketbook "Here you are. Gochisousama deshita."

I got up and left without turning back. I headed opposite of the direction of the large window and was going to take the long way home tonight. I quickly walked with my geta sounding like the pitter-pattering of hard rain against the tar ground.

"Tomoyo. Tomoyo~!"

I shook my head as I tried to walk faster.

"TOMOYO! DON'T YOU DARE RUN AWAY~!"

Suddenly, I stopped. I turned around defiantly and finally faced him as he came running towards me. "THEN WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?!"

In my whole life, I had never shouted at anyone. I didn't recognize my own self.

I quivered under the lamppost, clearly showing the arrogant tears that proudly fell down my cheeks.

"You don't have to hold it back anymore."

My lips tightened at the gentleness of his voice, unraveling everything I had created to not be discovered.

He stepped forward and brushed my hair away from my left ear along with the tear that escaped my eye. "Don't you hate me, Tomoyo? You love her more than I do. "

"Of course I love Sa-"

"Stop making that face! Stop keeping the truth to yourself."

That boy who was so impatient had become a man. He gently caught my cheek to make me face him.

I had thought…

I thought it was so wrong to love a girl and to love your own cousin. Wasn't it disgusting? Yes, we were all related, but he had the chance and I didn't. She wouldn't have ever thought of me the way I endlessly thought of her.

I wanted her to be oblivious to my feelings. It was easier for me to live with that.

But he knew. And he was telling me it wasn't wrong at all.

After all, this was Sakura. No one would have been surprised.

Everyone loved her. Whether they accepted her at first or would later become unable to resist her, it all led to one thing: No one could ever truly push away the one person who made you feel like the warm ray of sunshine touched you in human form.

She was bright, yet she was human. So down to earth.

She was true to her name: Sakura, the symbol of a fleeting moment of the most dazzling happiness.

Surprised at his outburst, he wrapped one arm around me as I buried my face into his cotton shoulder. Holding my back and some of my hair, he held me tighter and tighter. The palm of his hand cupped the back of my head.

I cried in a way I'd never done in front of anyone and not ever in public.

And most assuredly, not in front of Sakura-chan.

There should have been so much to say, but somehow in this action alone, we were passing all these mutual feelings in silence. We communicated from heartbeat to heartbeat, in a way only friends and lovers could speak to one another.

We absorbed one another's thoughts between the touch of our bodies, my tears soaking up into his sweatshirt.

Though my heart was breaking, it was learning to dance. It was free of its own self-proclaimed barrier.

And finally, mine was connecting all the gaps of his

so that it would reach into hers.

On the day of the wedding, I looked at her reflection as her eyes watched me run my fingers softly thorough her long curled hair. In a dress with the hem sewn with the shapes of different kinds of flowers, we smiled at one another.

I placed my arms around her shoulders and she pressed her cheek to mine.

"You'll ruin your make-up doing that."

"I don't care."

I held her tightly as she clenched her white gloves onto my arms.

Later on, at the wedding reception, at the time of my performance, they called my name. I was the very last thing on that program.

I walked over to the microphone and smiled with all the emotion I had carried with me for both of them.

"Thank you very much for giving me the honor of being the one to sing for you today. You two are not only my best friends, but my pride. You are the ones that taught me the meaning behind the word of 'Joy'. And so, that is the name of the song I give to you, the one I made for this day for everyone to share."

All those years I had into making this song that I thought would never have made it to anyone's ears but my own began to play. The sound of my recorded piano playing filled the air.

"Opening my eyes to this world,

Everyday, I cannot go to sleep

Because I don't want it to end.

And everyday, I wake up early

Because I want to see what it

Has to give.

The colors of this world,

You taught me how to paint it,

How I didn't have to

Hide in the shadows,

Never showing my true self.

When I thought all was lost,

When I thought that I could never

Be the person I wanted to be,

It was you who called me

From that darkness I had

Made for myself.

In this bright world,

Where everything sparkles

And brings life to one another,

I wanted to show you

What you had given me.

We could be living in a dream,

But that is all right.

There is no time to dwell

On the sadness that's sure to come

When you reach that peak,

The happiness that no one else

Can take,

Can ever give.

In this bright world,

Where everything sparkles

And brings life to one another,

I wanted to show you

What you had given me.

You once asked me what the name

Of the first star was,

And from that time,

I felt the word, 'Joy'.

On that day,

I made a wish

on that star,

and I gave it away

so that everyone

would be able to

learn what

sunshine felt like.

You taught me

'to connect'

My world to this one

And to many others…

To myself."

I bowed as I felt my heart beat as if it would touch my ribcage. And at that moment, Sakura got up from her seat and wrapped her arms around me with a face more sparkling than the first time she complimented me.

Then, she turned her head to kiss my ear, whispering. "I love you, Tomoyo."

My heart swelled up.

A flash of memories flooded inside of me and I saw them before my eyes: Cameras, costumes, family trips...everything.

With that single phrase, I had been rewarded for all the things I never said.

I just nodded, as quietly and eloquently as ever, hoping that my heartbeat would finally reach hers.

The last memory that flashed in my head, was of that night when I cried on Syaoran's shoulder and made a secret pact between the two of us.

_I dropped my silk bag to the ground and covered his ears lightly with my cold hands. Looking into his eyes, I asked him, "Because you know my secret, could you please do one favor for me?"_

_He nodded, his eyes never leaving my own. "Anything," they wordlessly said._

_I gulped as I pulled his face towards mine. I closed my eyes as I kissed his cheek with all my hopes, fears, and wishes._

"_For the rest of your life, could you give her that for me?"_

**Owari.**

**--**

**Author's note:** Although this is not the first fanfic I have written for the year, this is the first one I'll release. I want to reach a wider audience and to mature even more.

This year, in August, will mark that I've written fanfiction for a decade on the internet, so this year is exceptionally special for me.

I started with Tomoyo because I wanted someone who was mature and yet I wanted to present a situation that was inevitable, yet still hard to see in front of you. I want to continue to write angst, but I want to make something exciting and not so mellow these days.

Thank you for reading and your support!

Always,

Yui

1/11/2009 8:05:56 AM – Los Angeles

1/12/09 1:05 AM - Tokyo


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